I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She said her name was "party"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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