I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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