You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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