I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
