She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
