Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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