Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
