I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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