I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
