I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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