I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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