She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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