I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
