3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
