Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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