it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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