pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Mom said you looked used
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
