I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
