This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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