For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When are your genitals available?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
