Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize