i just wanna soil my oats bro
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
