I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
