Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
