LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
