We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
