I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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