i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
