Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
