Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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