Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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