then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize