I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
