I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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