you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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