it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
