the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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