so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
