Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
