My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
