I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
