Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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