it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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