I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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