I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize