Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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