But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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