I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize