Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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