My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
