I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize