You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
