hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Are we still banned from the library?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize