I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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