I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
