Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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