I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
