He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize