You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
