im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bring me that man meat
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
