Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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