I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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