dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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