This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
